Kryptos

2017

First post of 2017. You would think after 18 months I would be in a better place. No I'm still stuck.. Still trying to figure out what's next? I was asked by a friend the other day, whats the plan? I had no answer. Why do I need a plan? If there is a plan it's to sort out finances, which I'm finally on my way of doing.   Until 2 years ago I hadn't had a credit card for approx. 15 years.   

I now have debt on that, which I'm working on getting rid off and hope to have that gone in the next 12 months.  I want to start saving again but that seems pointless until the debit has gone... any spare cash I putting towards that.  

Have a mortgage and car finance, I don't consider as debit as such as you need them to live, maybe I don't need a car as such but I wouldn't be able to do my Job without being able to drive, so it's a need for me.

What I consider a debit is having thousands on credit card, I have been in a position, luck position that I always had some savings and I have used that as a loan to myself and then pay it back over xx number of months. 

There's no guilt when buying anything then, it's money that I have earned and I'm spending on what I want, rather than money that I have borrowed to buy what I want before I have earned it. - I hope that makes sense.

I want to get back there, I hop I can, but it's hard really hard. If I can have 12 months of no financial surprises then, I hoping I can get back to the point that I can start saving again. 

 

 

Positives

I never thought there could be any benefits to my wife leaving. Maybe there could be some, watching my son this past year he's growing into quite a strong, confident little boy.

If there is a positive to take from this then he will be a very independent person. Also if things would of continued like they were, then we, Ethan and I would of not be as close as we seem at the moment.

I feel like I'm getting closer to him than I would of have if my wife didn't leave.

This is a revelation for me.

You may have noticed that I keep saying Wife, well that's because she still is my wife, neither of us have initiated a divorce. It's something that needs to be dealt with. Here we are approaching the end of another year already and if I'm not careful then I will still be married this time next year.

Maybe I can't have complete closer until this has happened. 

I Failed Too

Whilst I think the way she left, not letting me know how unhappy she was.  Wasn't my fault. I do and have always accepted it takes two to make things work. 12 months later, I had my priorities wrong.

I love messing with computers, it's my hobby turned into my Job.

I think somehow for some reason I let this become my focus. Instead, I should have spent time with her and our Son. I think I was selfish in that, I would think about what I wanted to do in any spare time first, rather than what we should be doing in any spare time that I had. I think this could have gone a long way to prevent the split.

I'm not ready for any new relationship at the moment, if ever. I need time to reflect, these blog posts are just that, me reflecting. Working through the anger, pain, disappointment and taking responsibility for the part I played which resulted in us splitting up.

The conclusion for the moment is I'm better off on my own and being the best Dad that I can possibly be to my Son.

Stuck

So a little more than a year on, I feel stuck.  I don't seem to be able to move forward.  I can't imagine being with another person.  I want to be clear, I don't want her back.  I just can't imagine being with anybody else.

Maybe I'm just to selfish to share my life with another person? 

I can't wrap my head around how she has moved on so quickly, she says it wasn't planned and nothing happened before she told me she wanted to go, in just 6 weeks she threw away a thirteen year relationship and broke our family up, something she always told me she wanted.

She's been with him ever since and at my request not introduced him to our Son, she wants to do so soon, within the next couple of months.

I can honestly say I'm not ready.  The thought of some other bloke being a father figure to my Son, makes me feel physically sick.   I'm afraid that I may lose him.  I'm afraid he will be confused. 

I know I'm not the first person to go through something like this, it is the first time I've experience a situation like this and being the emotional person that I am, I find it really difficult.

I've sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to end this post and fittingly, I'm stuck.

So what next?

I've had this domain, Kryptos.co.uk since around 2002.  It used to have it's own blog before, which at some point I lost. I can't recall what happened now. 

I'm now rebooting this site and using it as a new area for me to post about the none "Geek" stuff happening in my life, rather than mixing content over at http://ramblinggeek.co.uk, that will be the place for all things geeky.

This will be about, me and my son, Ethan.

12 months ago my wife left me.  This last year has been one of adjustment and re-evaluate, what's next?  What do I want from Life? I'm just note sure.  

I didn't see it coming, my Wife leaving. So it's been a very big shock to the system.   I've taken it hard, the betrayal.  

I've tried to focus on my son, Ethan who was five last May, he is a sweet, kind and gentle little soul.  I never wanted any child of mine to come from a parent's who split and in some ways I'm more devastated for him than myself.

I suppose writing here is some kind of self therapy if that's possible and hopefully a record for Ethan when he's old enough to read it.  

Does it have to be public, of course not!  Should it be public?  For me it helps that I feel like I'm talking to someone.

There's lots I want/need to say. 

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