Kryptos

Lonley

Why I feel lonely....

My wife left me... which in and of itself is a difficult thing to go through...

I feel lonely in every aspect of my life...

Work, Home, Family, Friends.

I don’t feel like anyone around me truly understands me or for that matter even wants to...

I don’t know if this is self-pity or not. I’ve always tried to do the English stiff upper lip but whilst trying to pursue that there’s always a nagging feeling inside that I just want to get it out.

I’m now left with my own thoughts every day and I have no one to talk with at the end of each day.

Do I have friends, yes I do. Two that I feel who have been there as much as they can be, they of course have their own lives to live and I don’t feel like I should burden them too much with my troubles.

A few years ago that two would have been a three but sadly that friendship seems to have ended along with my marriage.

The act of writing this post in and of its self is me seeking a place to “unload” in the absence of a person in my life to “unload” with or too... I’m not sure if it’s with them or to them.

I do wonder at times is this why my Wife left me, she couldn’t handle the “unloading” any longer. This, of course, brings up the question why would that bother her?

I come from a negative family. Don’t get me wrong, I believe, no, I know that they love me just as much as I love them. If my Dad or brothers read that, they would cringe, laying out my feelings like this, especially online!

I’m a bloody sensitive and paranoid person and that makes being me well bloody hard work....

Of course those two feelings with plenty of negativity piled on top, well it’s makes for a good recipe of lack of confidence and then throw in a good dose of your Wife leaving and constantly feeling frustrated and not knowing my place in my work life and not being able remedy any of these feelings with retail therapy like I have in the past makes for a very miserable existence.

There is one bright shining light however and that’s my Son... I look at him and all I want to do is hug him for as long as I can.

It’s the constant little comments that happen, “You need to get more organised”, “Things don’t go in that bin”, “Don’t leave your keys there”, “You need to put something down on this worktop”, “You still take two sugars, in your tea?”, “Your stupid you are”.

You know what would be nice to hear every now and then.

“How are you doing?”, no one in my family ever asks if I’m Ok, hows work.

No, it comes in form of unsolicited advice or suggestions.

I’m forty and loud enough to ask for help if I think I need it, what winds me up is the assumption that I won’t ask for help when I have various times in the last two years since being on my own again.

There’s this assumption from my family that it’s been two years you should be Ok now. Well I’m not it really hurt when she walked out and to be honest I beginning to think I won’t ever get over it, yes I may learn to move on, but it’s just like missing my mother, I’m not over it I have just learnt to live with it.

When she walked out I didn’t just lose the mother of my child and my wife, I lost my best friend.

When I'm given advice regarding my own child, comments such as “we have been there”.  I’m sorry that is so disrespectful you are all still together and not one of you have been abandoned by your partner when your child had just turned 4.. so no you haven’t been there.

You haven’t gone through that pain... so don’t tell me you have been there you haven’t!

Having to deal with it...

So the other day my son mentioned my ex-wife's partner.  He's only done this a couple times so far.  I must admit, each time it knocks me. All the emotions come flooding back in, anger, guilt, envy, jealously and fear.  I fear, I may loose him.  I think he must sense some of these feelings and he's constantly telling me that he loves me, he can be playing and randomly he will shout me and then it's followed with, "Daddy, I Love You".

Which is lovely to hear, of course, it's the number of times he says it which makes me stop and think. 

I never thought I would have to be dealing with this situation of having to listen to my son talk about another father figure in his life, I find it heart breaking, just as I find it heartbreaking that I don't get to come home and see him every night.  

When I started writing this post, I looked at him he seemed genuinely happy and if he's happy that's all that really matters. I need to do the best to keep my feelings to myself, which of course is very difficult when you wear your heart on your sleeve, as my Mum used to say to me.

I guess another reason to writing these posts, other than the fact they are an outlet for my thoughts and feelings as I don't have many people to "unload" on these days, is, I hope he will one day read them back and maybe understand that I really was trying my best, to be the best Father that I can.  It may not be the way other people do it, it will be the best I know how to give him. 

Progress of Sorts

So my last post I talked about my finances and unexpected expenses.  Well I had good news and bad news, good news, is my credit card debit free, thanks to a generous work bonus, I have managed to clear my credit card. Yey! :-)

Off course as awesome as life is, a few days later after paying it off, my washing machine broke. :@ I took the plunge and purchased a new one.. I figured I should bite the bullet and with any luck it's not going to break in the next 10 years, the last one lasted that long. 

I didn't know this was possible but I have managed to remove my wife (yes, that's right, I've still have sorted out the divorce, not sure why, still can't quite let go. :-( :@) from being financial associated to me, so if she get's into financial trouble it hopefully shouldn't effect me.

Ethan (my son) is awesome.  He's doing really well in school considering the random few years he had to the start of his life. His school report is really positive, very proud of him. 

2017

First post of 2017. You would think after 18 months I would be in a better place. No I'm still stuck.. Still trying to figure out what's next? I was asked by a friend the other day, whats the plan? I had no answer. Why do I need a plan? If there is a plan it's to sort out finances, which I'm finally on my way of doing.   Until 2 years ago I hadn't had a credit card for approx. 15 years.   

I now have debt on that, which I'm working on getting rid off and hope to have that gone in the next 12 months.  I want to start saving again but that seems pointless until the debit has gone... any spare cash I putting towards that.  

I have a mortgage and car finance, I don't consider as debit as such as you need them to live, maybe I don't need a car as such but I wouldn't be able to do my Job without being able to drive, so it's a need for me.

What I consider a debit is having thousands on credit card, I have been in a position, lucky position that I've always had some savings and I have used that to loan to myself and then pay it back over a number of months. 

There's no guilt when buying anything then, it's money that I have earned and I'm spending on what I want, rather than money that I have borrowed to buy what I want before I have earned it, if hope that makes sense.

I want to get back there, I hope I can, but it's hard, really hard. If I can have 12 months of no financial surprises then, hopefully I can get back to the point that I can start saving again. 

 

 

Positives

I never thought there could be any benefits to my wife leaving. Maybe there could be some, watching my son this past year he's growing into quite a strong, confident little boy.

If there is a positive to take from this then he will be a very independent person. Also if things would of continued like they were, then we, Ethan and I would of not be as close as we seem at the moment.

I feel like I'm getting closer to him than I would of have if my wife didn't leave.

This is a revelation for me.

You may have noticed that I keep saying Wife, well that's because she still is my wife, neither of us have initiated a divorce. It's something that needs to be dealt with. Here we are approaching the end of another year already and if I'm not careful then I will still be married this time next year.

Maybe I can't have complete closer until this has happened. 

I Failed Too

Whilst I think the way she left, not letting me know how unhappy she was.  Wasn't my fault. I do and have always accepted it takes two to make things work. 12 months later, I had my priorities wrong.

I love messing with computers, it's my hobby turned into my Job.

I think somehow for some reason I let this become my focus. Instead, I should have spent time with her and our Son. I think I was selfish in that, I would think about what I wanted to do in any spare time first, rather than what we should be doing in any spare time that I had. I think this could have gone a long way to prevent the split.

I'm not ready for any new relationship at the moment, if ever. I need time to reflect, these blog posts are just that, me reflecting. Working through the anger, pain, disappointment and taking responsibility for the part I played which resulted in us splitting up.

The conclusion for the moment is I'm better off on my own and being the best Dad that I can possibly be to my Son.

Stuck

So a little more than a year on, I feel stuck.  I don't seem to be able to move forward.  I can't imagine being with another person.  I want to be clear, I don't want her back.  I just can't imagine being with anybody else.

Maybe I'm just to selfish to share my life with another person? 

I can't wrap my head around how she has moved on so quickly, she says it wasn't planned and nothing happened before she told me she wanted to go, in just 6 weeks she threw away a thirteen year relationship and broke our family up, something she always told me she wanted.

She's been with him ever since and at my request not introduced him to our Son, she wants to do so soon, within the next couple of months.

I can honestly say I'm not ready.  The thought of some other bloke being a father figure to my Son, makes me feel physically sick.   I'm afraid that I may lose him.  I'm afraid he will be confused. 

I know I'm not the first person to go through something like this, it is the first time I've experience a situation like this and being the emotional person that I am, I find it really difficult.

I've sat here for a good 10 minutes trying to end this post and fittingly, I'm stuck.

So what next?

I've had this domain, Kryptos.co.uk since around 2002.  It used to have it's own blog before, which at some point I lost. I can't recall what happened now. 

I'm now rebooting this site and using it as a new area for me to post about the none "Geek" stuff happening in my life, rather than mixing content over at http://ramblinggeek.co.uk, that will be the place for all things geeky.

This will be about, me and my son, Ethan.

12 months ago my wife left me.  This last year has been one of adjustment and re-evaluate, what's next?  What do I want from Life? I'm just note sure.  

I didn't see it coming, my Wife leaving. So it's been a very big shock to the system.   I've taken it hard, the betrayal.  

I've tried to focus on my son, Ethan who was five last May, he is a sweet, kind and gentle little soul.  I never wanted any child of mine to come from a parent's who split and in some ways I'm more devastated for him than myself.

I suppose writing here is some kind of self therapy if that's possible and hopefully a record for Ethan when he's old enough to read it.  

Does it have to be public, of course not!  Should it be public?  For me it helps that I feel like I'm talking to someone.

There's lots I want/need to say. 

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