So the other day my son mentioned my ex-wife's partner. He's only done this a couple times so far. I must admit, each time it knocks me. All the emotions come flooding back in, anger, guilt, envy, jealously and fear. I fear, I may loose him. I think he must sense some of these feelings and he's constantly telling me that he loves me, he can be playing and randomly he will shout me and then it's followed with, "Daddy, I Love You".
Which is lovely to hear, of course, it's the number of times he says it which makes me stop and think.
I never thought I would have to be dealing with this situation of having to listen to my son talk about another father figure in his life, I find it heart breaking, just as I find it heartbreaking that I don't get to come home and see him every night.
When I started writing this post, I looked at him he seemed genuinely happy and if he's happy that's all that really matters. I need to do the best to keep my feelings to myself, which of course is very difficult when you wear your heart on your sleeve, as my Mum used to say to me.
I guess another reason to writing these posts, other than the fact they are an outlet for my thoughts and feelings as I don't have many people to "unload" on these days, is, I hope he will one day read them back and maybe understand that I really was trying my best, to be the best Father that I can. It may not be the way other people do it, it will be the best I know how to give him.