Why I feel lonely....
My wife left me... which in and of itself is a difficult thing to go through...
I feel lonely in every aspect of my life...
Work, Home, Family, Friends.
I don’t feel like anyone around me truly understands me or for that matter even wants to...
I don’t know if this is self-pity or not. I’ve always tried to do the English stiff upper lip but whilst trying to pursue that there’s always a nagging feeling inside that I just want to get it out.
I’m now left with my own thoughts every day and I have no one to talk with at the end of each day.
Do I have friends, yes I do? Two that I feel who have been there as much as they can be, they, of course, have their own lives to live and I don’t feel like I should burden them too much with my troubles.
A few years ago that two would have been a three but sadly that friendship seems to have ended along with my marriage.
The act of writing this post in and of its self is me seeking a place to “unload” in the absence of a person in my life to “unload” with or too... I’m not sure if it’s with them or to them.
I do wonder at times is this why my Wife left me, she couldn’t handle the “unloading” any longer. This, of course, brings up the question why would that bother her?
I come from a negative family. Don’t get me wrong, I believe, no, I know that they love me just as much as I love them. If my Dad or brothers read that, they would cringe, laying out my feelings like this, especially online!
I’m a bloody sensitive and paranoid person and that makes being me well bloody hard work....
Of course those two feelings with plenty of negativity piled on top, well it’s makes for a good recipe of lack of confidence and then throw in a good dose of your Wife leaving and constantly feeling frustrated and not knowing my place in my work life and not being able remedy any of these feelings with retail therapy like I have in the past makes for a very miserable existence.
There is one bright shining light however and that’s my Son... I look at him and all I want to do is hug him for as long as I can.
It’s the constant little comments that happen, “You need to get more organised”, “Things don’t go in that bin”, “Don’t leave your keys there”, “You need to put something down on this worktop”, “You still take two sugars, in your tea?”, “Your stupid you are”.
You know what would be nice to hear every now and then.
“How are you doing?”, no one in my family ever asks if I’m Ok, hows work.
No, it comes in form of unsolicited advice or suggestions.
I’m forty and loud enough to ask for help if I think I need it, what winds me up is the assumption that I won’t ask for help when I have various times in the last two years since being on my own again.
There’s this assumption from my family that it’s been two years you should be Ok now. Well I’m not it really hurt when she walked out and to be honest I beginning to think I won’t ever get over it, yes I may learn to move on, but it’s just like missing my mother, I’m not over it I have just learnt to live with it.
When she walked out I didn’t just lose the mother of my child and my wife, I lost my best friend.
When I'm given advice regarding my own child, comments such as “we have been there”. I’m sorry that is so disrespectful you are all still together and not one of you have been abandoned by your partner when your child had just turned 4.. so no you haven’t been there.
You haven’t gone through that pain... so don’t tell me you have been there you haven’t!